New Carl's Jr. Sandwich Guarantees Coronary

Fast food chain Carl's Jr. has unveiled the newest of its monster, can't-fit-it-in-your-mouth, angioplasty burgers. The sandwich known as "The Fibrillator" consists of a 1.5 pound patty made entirely of ground bacon. The patty is then breaded and deep fried in a combination of oil and lard. The toppings consist of three slices of American cheese, fried onion rings, fried pickles, five strips of bacon, crispy fried lettuce, two fried egg yolks and a jigger of ranch dressing. All of this is wedged into an over-sized, buttered croissant and drizzled in hollandaise sauce. Bacon bits are optional. The sandwich is being advertised on television with the tagline: "It's how guys do death." The sandwich sells for $5.95. For a limited time Carl's Jr. has a special two-for-ten-bucks deal. If a customer purchases three or more Fibrillators he or she receives a 10 percent coupon from Heidinger's Headstones and Urns. Ambulances are standing by.