Depression-Fueled Binge Drinking Added To 2010 Winter Games

The IOC has added a new event to this year's Olympic Winter Games which are set to take place next month in Vancouver. The new indoor event, known as "Super-B" or "The Thousand Milliliter Dash," is played in a darkened room with some source of heat (preferably a fireplace) and several bottles of strong alcoholic spirits. The object is for each athlete to consume as much as possible while repressing his or her existential angst. The competitors are allowed to converse with one another, as long as the exchange is of a steadily increasing pessimistic nature. Usually the cold, bitter, death-like weather is brought up by one of the athletes, at which time the opponent must respond in kind. The competitors will be judged on a combination of physical stamina and style points. Style points will be awarded for hopeless frowns, angry scowls, and particularly depressing ruminations concerning entropy and decay. Several countries are expected to field Super-B teams, with Russia and Finland favorites to medal.