A statement released by the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals labels Chesley B. Sullenberger as a "callous bird murderer." On January 15th Captain Sullenberger (57), along with co-pilot Jeff Skiles (49), managed to safely crash land a U.S. Airways Airbus 320 into the frigid waters of the Hudson River after dual engine failure. All 155 passengers were safely rescued from the floating aircraft. The mechanical malfunction of the two engines is believed to be the result of the plane's collision with a flock of birds shortly after take-off from LaGuardia Airport.
"We know for a fact Captain Sullenberger killed at least two innocent birds," said Kara Clark, a spokesperson for PETA. "Probably more than two. There's a good chance he took out half of that flock with his giant metal-penis ego-plane. This man should be jailed for his cruel actions. At the very least he should never again be allowed to maraud around in the skies. We demand his pilot's license."
Sullenberger, who has not spoken publicly since the January 15th crash landing, has been hailed as a true hero by President Bush, President Obama, the passengers of flight 1549, their families, members of the American and international press, and virtually every citizen of the United States of America.
"He can't fool us with that noble silence act," Clark said. "We know the truth." Members of PETA have begun boycotting U.S. Airways. As of press time Captain Sullenberger's wife has twice been doused with red paint.
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Those were no geese! They were animatronic robots deliberately possitioned in the plane's flight plath by terrorists in a plot to freeze the passengers aboard in the icey waters of the Hudson River.
ReplyDeleteIt's all so diabolically simple.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I actually wasn't entirely sure if you were making this one up or not. After all, PETA did just launch a campaign to try to get people to start calling fish Sea Kittens in hopes that that will make people less likely to eat fish. It's a bad sign when the organization you're making fun of outdoes your nose-thumbing.
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