California Takes Second Job as Taxi Driver to Make Ends Meet

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Dish, Spoon Filing For Divorce

After 245 years of marriage, the dish and the spoon are finally calling it quits. Both parties admit to infidelity. Between 1869 and 1907, the dish had a torrid affair with a beer stein. More recently (1987-present) the spoon has been sharing a drawer with a whisk. No word on who will get custody of their three half-breed children. The young doons have already faced much adversity in their lives, often being referred to derogatorily as "spishes" by the other china and cutlery.


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New Ad Campaign Not Catching On

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Guild Of Diminutive Actors Prepare For Busy Leprechaun Season

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Martin Scorsese Committed To Shutter Island For Directing Shutter Island

Psychiatrists say the the 67-year-old former Oscar winner is suffering under the delusion that he is still a good filmmaker. It is hoped that a few years of intense therapy and radical role-play at the remote facility will set Mr. Scorsese straight.



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Kevorkian Reveals New Simplified Suicide Machine

Americans Frustrated With Economy Are Encouraged To Take Their Anger Out On Environment

IN OTHER NEWS:

Zen Masturbator Knows The Sound Of One Hand Clapping

Heath Ledger Still Dead

Frankenberry Finally Out Of The Closet

Termites Break Silence: "We're sort-of tired of eating all this damn wood."

New Afghani Coin Features Removable Jetliner

The 50 Afghani piece is now being minted in response to the U.S. 5th Anniversary WTC 9/11 Commemorative Coin, which features a pop-up image of the World Trade Center.

Hamburglar Finally Executed For Repeat Offenses

Olympic Curler Hopes To Land Lucrative Broom Endorsement Contract

Cheryl Bernard, the captain of the Canadian Women's Olympic Curling Team, is hoping a spot on the podium at this month's Winter Games will translate into big bucks. Team Bernard has a good shot at winning the gold medal, and that could mean lucrative endorsement contracts for Bernard, a twenty-plus year veteran of professional curling. "Right now, I'm just focused on preparing for the competition," she said. "But if we win, I won't say no to free money." Potential sponsors willing to pay for the use of Bernard's name and likeness are: Libman Angle Brooms, Sweepa, Dirt Devil, and Rubbermaid, who just introduced their new state-of-the-art Stain Resistant Bristles Angle Broom. "They're all fine products," Bernard said diplomatically. "I mean, it's not the Wheaties box we're talking about here, but this is Canada, ya know?"

Study Shows: Midgets Leading Cause Of Ennui In Dusseldorf

OTHER HEADLINES:

Anorexia Downgraded From Disorder To Fashion Accessory

Hollywood Exec Green-lights Film Adaptation Of Myspace.com

Some Assholes Still Buying SUVs

Sam Elliot's Face Collapses After Shaving Mustache

"The whole thing went down like a house of cards," said one frightened bystander.

Horny White Bull Claims To Be Zeus

Depression-Fueled Binge Drinking Added To 2010 Winter Games

The IOC has added a new event to this year's Olympic Winter Games which are set to take place next month in Vancouver. The new indoor event, known as "Super-B" or "The Thousand Milliliter Dash," is played in a darkened room with some source of heat (preferably a fireplace) and several bottles of strong alcoholic spirits. The object is for each athlete to consume as much as possible while repressing his or her existential angst. The competitors are allowed to converse with one another, as long as the exchange is of a steadily increasing pessimistic nature. Usually the cold, bitter, death-like weather is brought up by one of the athletes, at which time the opponent must respond in kind. The competitors will be judged on a combination of physical stamina and style points. Style points will be awarded for hopeless frowns, angry scowls, and particularly depressing ruminations concerning entropy and decay. Several countries are expected to field Super-B teams, with Russia and Finland favorites to medal.

Antarctic Magician Mauled By Stage Penguin

After the attack, authorities shot and killed the 47 ounce animal. A witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say: "Once they taste blood, there's almost nothing you can do to stop them from killing again. Sure, they look cute as stuffed animals or in those animated movies, but these things are real hell-beasts. You've really gotta watch yourself down here."

Mitch McConnell Dies From Chin Erosion

Doctors claim disease could have been stopped, but no one asked.

Hubble Telescope Now Capable Of Spying On Naked Women In Distant Galaxies

Recent upgrades to the nineteen year old space telescope have increased mankind's peeping tom abilities to astronomical proportions. "We can now see further than ever into the depths of space," said NASA spokesman Hector Roman. "And that means no uncovered breast or bum will go unwatched, no matter how far away the planet or how dense the particular solar debris field." Since the repairs were finished, the upgraded telescope has allowed NASA astronomers to watch sunbathing beauties on Cappella 7, a green, yet attractive exhibitionist who never closes her blinds on Zarzek, and the showers of a girls' locker room on a small planet orbiting X-8639. This last planet, though similar to Earth in many respects, has a lower gravitational pull which allows breasts to grow very large while remaining perky. "We've been waiting a long time for this," Roman said with an irrepressible smile. "Technology has finally caught up to our innate desire to observe naked strangers."

A predominantly female contingent of scientists has criticized the exclusively voyeuristic use of the multi-billion dollar instrument, claiming it should be used instead to investigate black holes, dark matter, deep space radiation and other mysterious quantum phenomenon. Janet Clench, a physicist at MIT, said, "Hubble has finally given us the chance to answer some of the most perplexing questions concerning the origin of the universe and the nature of matter, but these guys are too busy ogling giant alien boobs."

In response to these allegations, Roman had this to say: "Those broads are just jealous. Wait until they get a gander at the studs on Priapus 13. They'll change their tune. Hell, we won't be able to tear them away from the eyepiece."

Secret Chamber Beneath Egyptian Sphinx Turns Out To Be Litter Box

English archaeologists invited to clean up.

Jewish Sci-fi Show Spawns Successful, Neurotic Fan Base

Star Schlep, a new science fiction show on CBS, has taken a large share of the prime-time ratings. The show, set several hundred years in the future, follows an all-Jewish crew aboard a large starship known as the S.S. Entrepreneur. The crew is led by the fearless, yet practical Captain Mensch whose motto is "To boldly go where no man will oppress me." He is joined in his quest by two chief officers -- Mr. Spoch, science officer and dabbler in kabbalah, and Dr. "Bagel" Kaplan, ship's psychiatrist. Each week the three men face daunting challenges as they come into contact with foreign planets and alien races. In the three episodes that have aired so far, the crew of the Entrepreneur have had to overcome a dire shortage of space-kosher cuisine, find safe harbor for Shabbat Teshuva, and fly back in time to early 21st Century Earth in order to level Palestine with a deadly phaser attack.

The show has already accumulated a strong base of upper middle class, regularly psychoanalyzed fans. The fans, known as "schleppers," have organized large conventions where they can dress up as characters from the show, meet the show's cast, and purchase official Star Schlep memorabilia such as a Star Federation menorah and a replica of Dr. Kaplan's sleek, futuristic psychiatrist's sofa. Schleppers often quote dialog from the show, like Mr. Spoch's catch-phrase: "Live long and prosper, but don't live too long. I mean you should be so lucky. It's God's will after all. Aw, forget it."

American Airlines Now Charges Fee For Each Flying Dream

Pope Shot While Changing Tire Of Popemobile

Ill-fated stopover in Detroit.

Underachieving Poltergeist Haunts Radio

House Spinoff To Dramatize Life Of Crotchety Tree Surgeon

Suitcase Full Of Cash Wins "Prop Of The Year" Oscar

Narrowly beating out Nine Millimeter Glock and Motorola Razr.

New Vegas Resort "Mogadishu" Opens On The Strip

Mogadishu opened its doors yesterday to the public and became the newest city-themed resort on the Las Vegas strip, joining the likes of Paris, New York New York, Monte Carlo, the Venetian and Luxor. Named for the capital and largest city of Somalia, Mogadishu is a 400 room hotel, casino and entertainment establishment with an architectural design based on bullet-riddled rubble. The complex features a life-size Blackhawk Down simulator ride in which tourists experience what it's like to be in a helicopter hit by a rocket-propelled grenade. Guests are also treated to room accommodations that feature all the amenities Somali warlords are known to impart to their prisoners -- dirt floors, cinderblock pillows, His and Her blindfolds, brackish water, and rice highjacked from United Nations food convoys. "We really wanted this resort to have the taste, feel and smell of the real Mogadishu," said Chalmers Smith, CEO of the Mogadishu Joint Entertainment Corporation. "Mogadishu is an exciting place with exotic sights and sounds. I think the American people are ready to embrace it as the Casablanca of the 21st Century." To compete with the famous water grotto and fountain show of the neighboring Bellagio Hotel, Mogadishu features a three acre manmade, saltwater pond. Waves are generated mechanically to simulate the sea conditions of the Gulf of Aden. Guests at the hotel can navigate the pond with paddle boats where they will be attacked by a group of actors playing Somali pirates. In spite of the bombed-out appearance of the resort's architecture Mogadishu features a state-of-the-art, full service gaming casino. "We wanted gambling to be a part of the resort," said Smith, "because residents of the real Mogadishu gamble with their lives each and every day. I mean can you imagine?"

Damnation Army Collects Money For The Rich

Octo-mom Finally Finds Mr. Right

Art Forger Arrested For Shitting In Can

Joshua Reidenschneider (49) was arrested last week as the man responsible for several recent high price art forgeries. He is believed to have forged at least three cans of "Merda d'artista" or "artist's shit," the famous work of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni. In 1961 Manzoni labeled and sold 90 numbered cans, each containing 30 grams of his own feces. The cans were sold for the price of their weight in gold. To this day cans of Manzoni's Merda d'artista still sell at auction for up $100,000.

Reidenschneider tried to pass off his own fecal matter as that of the dead artist. "He did an excellent job forging the cans. I'll give him that much credit," said Remy Marceaux, Assistant Curator of the Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art. "But his shit is just not the shit of a true master. Any trained eye can see the inconsistencies in texture, the lack of discipline in the shape of the stools. No, no. I'm afraid Mr. Reidenschneider would be better served forging something tacky, a Rembrandt perhaps."

Reidenschneider will be arraigned tomorrow. Authorities are also questioning him in regards to a possible fake Marcel Duchamp "Fountain" recently purchased by the Art Institute of Chicago and rumors of a fake Andres Serrano "Piss Christ" sold to a wealthy Japanese politician.

New Romantic Comedy Dominating Box Office

Orlando Bloom Impaled On Keira Knightley's Collar Bone

This photo taken only seconds before the tragic accident.

Man Brings Severed Ear To Antiques Roadshow

Kentucky resident Alvin Schoenbachler (31) showed up at the Antiques Roadshow stopover in Louisville with a severed human ear. For those who are unfamiliar with the Antiques Roadshow, it is a popular PBS television program that travels around the country giving citizens a chance to have their antiques and heirlooms examined by professional appraisers. "Mostly we get furniture and dolls," said Chester Knobbs, the producer of the long-running show. "Sometimes we get paintings or a Confederate battle sword, toys. Stuff like that. A human ear -- now that's a bit unusual. Folks don't usually bring in body parts."

Shoenbachler claims the ear belonged to his grandfather who removed it from the corpse of a Japanese soldier at the battle of the Tarawa Atoll in 1943. "It's a part of history," Shoenbachler said. "It's gotta have some kind of value. I wanna know how much."

Donnie Kemp, the show's expert appraiser of war antiques, was at a loss in trying to ascertain the value of the small piece of desiccated flesh. "Honestly, nothing like this has ever come up at auction before. I have no idea how much it might be worth. I know many U.S. marines took morbid souvenirs like this in the Pacific campaign, but their families usually destroy the items out of an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame and disgust. This may be one-of-a-kind. Of course the hard part is verifying its authenticity. We have to make sure this isn't merely a forged knock-off."

Again, Chester Knobbs, the show's producer: "I guess the only thing I can compare this to is when that old Russian lady in Pittsburgh brought in what looked like a twelve inch piece of beef jerky and claimed it was Rasputin's penis."