New Wii Games Stir Up Controversy

A new package of video games for the Nintendo Wii system is inspiring complaints from many parents and concerned citizens. The embattled game titles include: Caning, Lynching, Beheading, Pistol-Whipping, and Disembowelment. The incredibly popular Wii System employs a wireless gestural controller in place of a joystick or thumb-operated interface. Players move their arms (controller in hand) to mimic such movements as swinging a golf club, rolling a bowling ball, or in the case of the new game package, wielding an executioner's axe. The pantomimed movements in turn control the actions of digital avatars on the television monitor. The new package of games, known unofficially as The CIA Experience, differs from other Wii titles as there is little to no apparent peer competition present in the gaming action. "Yeah, you just torture a bunch of people and chop their heads off and stuff," said Justin McHenry (12). "I guess it's kind of fun. It can be tiring though. I never realized it took so much effort to eviscerate a family of four. My shoulders ache."

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First Time Cocaine User Suddenly Digs Steely Dan

Andrew Collins (25), who tried cocaine for the first time last night, is the newest fan of Steely Dan. "I don't know man. It's just like suddenly I could dig it," Collins told reporters in a clipped, nervous speech. He wiped his nose several times on his sleeve and lit two cigarettes before continuing: "Karl, my roommate, is always playing that stuff (Steely Dan) and I've always been like 'turn that gay crap off, man.' But I don't know -- last night he cut me a few lines and I snorted them and then I was just grooving to Hey Nineteen. I have no idea what that song's about but I can't get enough of it. I mean I guess it's about like getting fucked up because he sings about Cuervo Gold and the fine Columbian which is like what got me into the song because we were doing lines and drinking tequila shots and it all seemed to make perfect sense and stuff." Collins rambled on incoherently for several more minutes before suddenly changing moods and growing morose. After asking each and every reporter if he or she was "carrying," Collins proceeded to run his tongue across the entire surface of the coffee table.

Ted Nugent Shoots Loch Ness Monster

During a recent trip to Scotland aging rock star, self-proclaimed "gun nut" and NRA spokesman Ted Nugent shot and killed the famous plesiosaur known affectionately as "Nessie." From the bow of a rented boat Nugent fired several dozen rounds from a Heckler & Koch assault rifle into the massive animal. "It was fucking awesome," a smiling, blood-spattered Nugent said. "I nailed that ugly son-of-a-bitch. This is a great day for firearms." The 35 foot long body was towed to shore and an industrial crane was brought in from a nearby construction site for weighing purposes. Scientists are lamenting the death of the reclusive creature, feared to be the last of its species. "This would've been one of the greatest scientific finds in history had we been able to study the specimen before Mr. Nugent filled it full of lead," Dr. Ian McClish said. "We'd still like to dissect the body to learn about the visceral biology of the Jurassic Period, but he (Nugent) won't let us near it." "Hell no," Nugent said in response to McClish's request. "I'm gonna mount this fucker in my trophy room next to the condor."

Newly Discovered Dante Manuscript Describes Special Circle Of Hell For Vegans

Archaeologists, literary scholars and theologians are excited about the recent discovery of a 14th Century manuscript believed to be written by Dante Alighieri. The find was made in Florence, Italy and sheds new light on Dante's original vision for the geography of The Inferno. Cassius Revoldini, a noted Dante scholar, says: "this manuscript details a sub-ring of the Third Circle of Hell. We all know the Third Circle, as the published manuscript tells us, is reserved for gluttons who are forced to lie in a vile slush as punishment for their food lust." The newly discovered text describes a separate torture for "those who in life ate no meat, no fish, no fowl, nor dairy -- those who took a stance of superiority and condescension concerning their restricted diet." The suffering vegans are doomed to wallow in a morass of rotting animal carcasses as cow-headed demons force-feed them endless strings of sausages. In the manuscript Dante briefly converses with the soul of Daniele Corazza, a contemporary of Dante's and a noted vegetarian who once criticized the poet for his love of veal. Dante taunts the bloated and agonized Corazza by saying: "How's it taste?" Historians and scholars are unsure as to why the vegan circle was removed from the Divine Comedy before publication.

Texas State Senate Forces Abortion Clinics To Use Tiny Electric Chair

In a controversial decision Texas lawmakers voted overwhelmingly to establish a new statewide procedure for all abortions. The new method employs the use of a very small, fetus-sized electric chair. The procedure is quite invasive as the technicians must strap the unborn child into the chair, secure the impossibly tiny and adorable hands and feet, drape a miniscule hood over the unformed face, and finally place a wired crown atop the hairless head. All of this must of course take place within the mother's womb. Other logistical problems have arisen from the order that requires all abortions to be carried out at exactly twelve noon or twelve midnight. "We've just decided that if this kind of stuff is gonna take place we better be damn sure we're doing it right," said Senate member Granger McCoy. "I'm not one for killin' unless killin' needs to be done. But when it needs to be done, I can't think of a better way." Opponents of the fetal electric chair cite the risk of electrocution posed to the mother, the impracticality of the procedure, and the downright morbidity of executing a helpless lifeform in the same manner as convicted serial killers. So far no decision has been made concerning clergy visitation to the wombs of the condemned, last meal requests, or whether or not the abortion clinics will be hardwired with phones to the governor's mansion for possible last second reprieves. "If someone has a better idea of how this oughta be done," McCoy said during yesterday's press conference, "I'd sure like to hear about it."

Iraqi Insurgents Say They'll Free Captive Journalists In Exchange For Lebron James

In a videotape leaked to the press and broadcast on the Al Jazeera network members of an Iraqi insurgent group known as BAL have made their demands clear. "We want this Lebron James," said a hooded man into the camera, an AK-47 dangling from his neck. "If the United States will hand over this superman we will gladly release these two hostages." The two captives, AP photographer Mike Smalls and embedded journalist Kerry Sansone, appear in the video. The two men kneel before the camera, hands bound behind their backs. Their faces are bruised and tears trickle from their eyes. "Please, do what these men say," Smalls pleads as another insurgent stands behind him with a sword raised above his head. "He (James) is just an overrated point-forward. He's never even won a championship. The NBA can surely spare him for our lives. The game sucks anyway."

The demand for James, a bona-fide basketball superstar, is unprecedented in terrorist negotiations, though it does not come as a complete surprise as the international popularity of the sport has skyrocketed in recent years. "Do the right thing," the hooded man says toward the end of the videotape. "Give us Lebron James and we will let these two puny members of the media go free. Neither one of them can hit a three-point shot let alone dunk the ball." NBA commissioner David Stern said he "will not negotiate with terrorists," though he did say he was open to the possibility of a monetary agreement. "My duty is to the game of basketball and to the NBA fans. These guys are offering nothing as far as I can tell. Lebron for a couple of white guys who've never even dribbled a ball? Give me a break." James (24) could not be reached for comment as he was busy racking up thirty-four points, seven rebounds and eight assists against the San Antonio Spurs. His contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers will expire in 2010. The question of what team he will next play for is the subject of much speculation and debate around the world.