Antarctic Magician Mauled By Stage Penguin

After the attack, authorities shot and killed the 47 ounce animal. A witness, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say: "Once they taste blood, there's almost nothing you can do to stop them from killing again. Sure, they look cute as stuffed animals or in those animated movies, but these things are real hell-beasts. You've really gotta watch yourself down here."

Mitch McConnell Dies From Chin Erosion

Doctors claim disease could have been stopped, but no one asked.

Hubble Telescope Now Capable Of Spying On Naked Women In Distant Galaxies

Recent upgrades to the nineteen year old space telescope have increased mankind's peeping tom abilities to astronomical proportions. "We can now see further than ever into the depths of space," said NASA spokesman Hector Roman. "And that means no uncovered breast or bum will go unwatched, no matter how far away the planet or how dense the particular solar debris field." Since the repairs were finished, the upgraded telescope has allowed NASA astronomers to watch sunbathing beauties on Cappella 7, a green, yet attractive exhibitionist who never closes her blinds on Zarzek, and the showers of a girls' locker room on a small planet orbiting X-8639. This last planet, though similar to Earth in many respects, has a lower gravitational pull which allows breasts to grow very large while remaining perky. "We've been waiting a long time for this," Roman said with an irrepressible smile. "Technology has finally caught up to our innate desire to observe naked strangers."

A predominantly female contingent of scientists has criticized the exclusively voyeuristic use of the multi-billion dollar instrument, claiming it should be used instead to investigate black holes, dark matter, deep space radiation and other mysterious quantum phenomenon. Janet Clench, a physicist at MIT, said, "Hubble has finally given us the chance to answer some of the most perplexing questions concerning the origin of the universe and the nature of matter, but these guys are too busy ogling giant alien boobs."

In response to these allegations, Roman had this to say: "Those broads are just jealous. Wait until they get a gander at the studs on Priapus 13. They'll change their tune. Hell, we won't be able to tear them away from the eyepiece."

Secret Chamber Beneath Egyptian Sphinx Turns Out To Be Litter Box

English archaeologists invited to clean up.

Jewish Sci-fi Show Spawns Successful, Neurotic Fan Base

Star Schlep, a new science fiction show on CBS, has taken a large share of the prime-time ratings. The show, set several hundred years in the future, follows an all-Jewish crew aboard a large starship known as the S.S. Entrepreneur. The crew is led by the fearless, yet practical Captain Mensch whose motto is "To boldly go where no man will oppress me." He is joined in his quest by two chief officers -- Mr. Spoch, science officer and dabbler in kabbalah, and Dr. "Bagel" Kaplan, ship's psychiatrist. Each week the three men face daunting challenges as they come into contact with foreign planets and alien races. In the three episodes that have aired so far, the crew of the Entrepreneur have had to overcome a dire shortage of space-kosher cuisine, find safe harbor for Shabbat Teshuva, and fly back in time to early 21st Century Earth in order to level Palestine with a deadly phaser attack.

The show has already accumulated a strong base of upper middle class, regularly psychoanalyzed fans. The fans, known as "schleppers," have organized large conventions where they can dress up as characters from the show, meet the show's cast, and purchase official Star Schlep memorabilia such as a Star Federation menorah and a replica of Dr. Kaplan's sleek, futuristic psychiatrist's sofa. Schleppers often quote dialog from the show, like Mr. Spoch's catch-phrase: "Live long and prosper, but don't live too long. I mean you should be so lucky. It's God's will after all. Aw, forget it."

American Airlines Now Charges Fee For Each Flying Dream

Pope Shot While Changing Tire Of Popemobile

Ill-fated stopover in Detroit.

Underachieving Poltergeist Haunts Radio

House Spinoff To Dramatize Life Of Crotchety Tree Surgeon

Suitcase Full Of Cash Wins "Prop Of The Year" Oscar

Narrowly beating out Nine Millimeter Glock and Motorola Razr.

New Vegas Resort "Mogadishu" Opens On The Strip

Mogadishu opened its doors yesterday to the public and became the newest city-themed resort on the Las Vegas strip, joining the likes of Paris, New York New York, Monte Carlo, the Venetian and Luxor. Named for the capital and largest city of Somalia, Mogadishu is a 400 room hotel, casino and entertainment establishment with an architectural design based on bullet-riddled rubble. The complex features a life-size Blackhawk Down simulator ride in which tourists experience what it's like to be in a helicopter hit by a rocket-propelled grenade. Guests are also treated to room accommodations that feature all the amenities Somali warlords are known to impart to their prisoners -- dirt floors, cinderblock pillows, His and Her blindfolds, brackish water, and rice highjacked from United Nations food convoys. "We really wanted this resort to have the taste, feel and smell of the real Mogadishu," said Chalmers Smith, CEO of the Mogadishu Joint Entertainment Corporation. "Mogadishu is an exciting place with exotic sights and sounds. I think the American people are ready to embrace it as the Casablanca of the 21st Century." To compete with the famous water grotto and fountain show of the neighboring Bellagio Hotel, Mogadishu features a three acre manmade, saltwater pond. Waves are generated mechanically to simulate the sea conditions of the Gulf of Aden. Guests at the hotel can navigate the pond with paddle boats where they will be attacked by a group of actors playing Somali pirates. In spite of the bombed-out appearance of the resort's architecture Mogadishu features a state-of-the-art, full service gaming casino. "We wanted gambling to be a part of the resort," said Smith, "because residents of the real Mogadishu gamble with their lives each and every day. I mean can you imagine?"

Damnation Army Collects Money For The Rich

Octo-mom Finally Finds Mr. Right

Art Forger Arrested For Shitting In Can

Joshua Reidenschneider (49) was arrested last week as the man responsible for several recent high price art forgeries. He is believed to have forged at least three cans of "Merda d'artista" or "artist's shit," the famous work of the late Italian artist Piero Manzoni. In 1961 Manzoni labeled and sold 90 numbered cans, each containing 30 grams of his own feces. The cans were sold for the price of their weight in gold. To this day cans of Manzoni's Merda d'artista still sell at auction for up $100,000.

Reidenschneider tried to pass off his own fecal matter as that of the dead artist. "He did an excellent job forging the cans. I'll give him that much credit," said Remy Marceaux, Assistant Curator of the Los Angeles Museum of Modern Art. "But his shit is just not the shit of a true master. Any trained eye can see the inconsistencies in texture, the lack of discipline in the shape of the stools. No, no. I'm afraid Mr. Reidenschneider would be better served forging something tacky, a Rembrandt perhaps."

Reidenschneider will be arraigned tomorrow. Authorities are also questioning him in regards to a possible fake Marcel Duchamp "Fountain" recently purchased by the Art Institute of Chicago and rumors of a fake Andres Serrano "Piss Christ" sold to a wealthy Japanese politician.

New Romantic Comedy Dominating Box Office

Orlando Bloom Impaled On Keira Knightley's Collar Bone

This photo taken only seconds before the tragic accident.

Man Brings Severed Ear To Antiques Roadshow

Kentucky resident Alvin Schoenbachler (31) showed up at the Antiques Roadshow stopover in Louisville with a severed human ear. For those who are unfamiliar with the Antiques Roadshow, it is a popular PBS television program that travels around the country giving citizens a chance to have their antiques and heirlooms examined by professional appraisers. "Mostly we get furniture and dolls," said Chester Knobbs, the producer of the long-running show. "Sometimes we get paintings or a Confederate battle sword, toys. Stuff like that. A human ear -- now that's a bit unusual. Folks don't usually bring in body parts."

Shoenbachler claims the ear belonged to his grandfather who removed it from the corpse of a Japanese soldier at the battle of the Tarawa Atoll in 1943. "It's a part of history," Shoenbachler said. "It's gotta have some kind of value. I wanna know how much."

Donnie Kemp, the show's expert appraiser of war antiques, was at a loss in trying to ascertain the value of the small piece of desiccated flesh. "Honestly, nothing like this has ever come up at auction before. I have no idea how much it might be worth. I know many U.S. marines took morbid souvenirs like this in the Pacific campaign, but their families usually destroy the items out of an overwhelming sense of guilt, shame and disgust. This may be one-of-a-kind. Of course the hard part is verifying its authenticity. We have to make sure this isn't merely a forged knock-off."

Again, Chester Knobbs, the show's producer: "I guess the only thing I can compare this to is when that old Russian lady in Pittsburgh brought in what looked like a twelve inch piece of beef jerky and claimed it was Rasputin's penis."

Kobe Bryant Popular Enough To Rape Again

It's Good To Be The King . . . er, the President

Hey, he's French. That's like a handshake over there.

Johnny 5 Sues Disney For Stealing His Likeness

Semi-retired robot actor Johnny 5, star of the late 80s hit movie Short Circuit and its crappy sequel, has filed a lawsuit against Disney Films and Pixar Animation Studios. "WALL-E is a blatant rip-off of my image," Johnny 5 said outside the Los Angeles District Courthouse. "It's typical of Disney to create an animated version of a real actor such as myself to avoid paying a decent wage or negotiating a contract. I'm not just doing this for myself, but for all androids, cyborgs and sentient robots who are struggling to land roles in this topsy-turvy economy. I say we must put an end to this shameful outsourcing of robot roles to the realm of computer animation. We've seen it time and time again. I know for a fact they never even let the real Gort audition for his role in the remake of the Day The Earth Stood Still."

So far Disney has declined to comment on the pending lawsuit, though industry analysts say the giant conglomerate will have little trouble defending itself against Johnny 5's claims. Disney has been the target of hundreds of lawsuits over the years; as a result they employ a notoriously thorough and bloodthirsty legal team.

After speaking to the press Johnny 5 slowly descended the wheelchair ramp of the courthouse. He turned once more to the assembled crowd and hollered "Johnny 5 pissed!" On the sidewalk he was greeted by his companion Sico, the service bot from Rocky IV. The two veteran character actors rolled off into the sunset.

New Carl's Jr. Sandwich Guarantees Coronary

Fast food chain Carl's Jr. has unveiled the newest of its monster, can't-fit-it-in-your-mouth, angioplasty burgers. The sandwich known as "The Fibrillator" consists of a 1.5 pound patty made entirely of ground bacon. The patty is then breaded and deep fried in a combination of oil and lard. The toppings consist of three slices of American cheese, fried onion rings, fried pickles, five strips of bacon, crispy fried lettuce, two fried egg yolks and a jigger of ranch dressing. All of this is wedged into an over-sized, buttered croissant and drizzled in hollandaise sauce. Bacon bits are optional. The sandwich is being advertised on television with the tagline: "It's how guys do death." The sandwich sells for $5.95. For a limited time Carl's Jr. has a special two-for-ten-bucks deal. If a customer purchases three or more Fibrillators he or she receives a 10 percent coupon from Heidinger's Headstones and Urns. Ambulances are standing by.

America Pretty Sure It Shared A Joint With These People Behind That One Pizza Place Like Ten Years Ago

It was either Jocamoes or like Tony's Pizza. Dude, I can't remember for sure.


OTHER HEADLINES:

Catholic Parishes Dwindle, Pope Jokes Hold Steady

Local Power Walker Sees Self In Mirrored Window, Is Disgusted

Mortgage Crisis: Homeless Man's Refrigerator Box Foreclosed On

In Bid To Outdo Beijing Russia Offers Chernobyl As Site Of 2012 Olympics

Office Building Employees Protest For Separate But Equal Cologne-Free Elevator

Americans More Confused Than Ever

A new study conducted by The Longinus Research Group shows that nine out of ten Americans have no idea what the fuck is going on.

PETA Calls Hero Pilot Bird Murderer

A statement released by the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals labels Chesley B. Sullenberger as a "callous bird murderer." On January 15th Captain Sullenberger (57), along with co-pilot Jeff Skiles (49), managed to safely crash land a U.S. Airways Airbus 320 into the frigid waters of the Hudson River after dual engine failure. All 155 passengers were safely rescued from the floating aircraft. The mechanical malfunction of the two engines is believed to be the result of the plane's collision with a flock of birds shortly after take-off from LaGuardia Airport.

"We know for a fact Captain Sullenberger killed at least two innocent birds," said Kara Clark, a spokesperson for PETA. "Probably more than two. There's a good chance he took out half of that flock with his giant metal-penis ego-plane. This man should be jailed for his cruel actions. At the very least he should never again be allowed to maraud around in the skies. We demand his pilot's license."

Sullenberger, who has not spoken publicly since the January 15th crash landing, has been hailed as a true hero by President Bush, President Obama, the passengers of flight 1549, their families, members of the American and international press, and virtually every citizen of the United States of America.
"He can't fool us with that noble silence act," Clark said. "We know the truth." Members of PETA have begun boycotting U.S. Airways. As of press time Captain Sullenberger's wife has twice been doused with red paint.

Local Man Quits Smoking, Becomes Douche Bag

Aaron Carruthers (28) has been annoying the hell out of friends and acquaintances ever since he gave up cigarettes three weeks ago. "He's like all high and mighty now," Kyle Witherspoon (30) said of coworker Carruthers. "We'll be outside on break trying to catch a smoke and Aaron will come out and say shit like 'you're all just slaves to that leaf.' Then he gets this shit-eating grin on his face like he's so great because he kicked the habit." Experts believe Carruthers is suffering from what is known as Reformed Smoker Syndrome in which the former tobacco addict replaces the nicotine in his/her system with an inflated sense of self-accomplishment. "He even quotes cancer statistics and mortality rates," Witherspoon continued. "What an asshole. He was much cooler when he had a two pack a day habit."



MORE HEADLINES:

Degenerate Gamblers Petition Washington For $100 Billion Bailout

Shortage Of Blue Urine Hinders Diaper And Tampon Ad Campaigns

Dick Cheney Flees D.C. In Escape Pod Launched From Top Of Washington Monument

On Leaving White House Bush Takes Towels, Soap, Sheets, Ashtrays

Fat Chick Ate All The Coconut Macaroons At Office Party (Again)

New Wii Games Stir Up Controversy

A new package of video games for the Nintendo Wii system is inspiring complaints from many parents and concerned citizens. The embattled game titles include: Caning, Lynching, Beheading, Pistol-Whipping, and Disembowelment. The incredibly popular Wii System employs a wireless gestural controller in place of a joystick or thumb-operated interface. Players move their arms (controller in hand) to mimic such movements as swinging a golf club, rolling a bowling ball, or in the case of the new game package, wielding an executioner's axe. The pantomimed movements in turn control the actions of digital avatars on the television monitor. The new package of games, known unofficially as The CIA Experience, differs from other Wii titles as there is little to no apparent peer competition present in the gaming action. "Yeah, you just torture a bunch of people and chop their heads off and stuff," said Justin McHenry (12). "I guess it's kind of fun. It can be tiring though. I never realized it took so much effort to eviscerate a family of four. My shoulders ache."

Articles I'm Too Busy To Write At The Moment (Because I'm Pistol-Whipping Santa Claus)

Intensive Citywide Recycling Program Inadvertently Eradicates Homelessness

Theologians And Meteorologists Concur: "Cold day in Hell finally here"

Fantasy Politics: How High Is Obama's Vert? Can He Rebound?

Swaziland Still A Country

Local Atheist Tired Of Believing In Himself

Study Shows 8 Out Of 10 Men Dislike Children

Study Shows 2 Out Of 10 Men Are Pedophiles

Vladimir Putin Poisons Daughter For Asking Too Many Questions

Singapore: Still Caning (But Only Those Who Really Deserve It)

First Time Cocaine User Suddenly Digs Steely Dan

Andrew Collins (25), who tried cocaine for the first time last night, is the newest fan of Steely Dan. "I don't know man. It's just like suddenly I could dig it," Collins told reporters in a clipped, nervous speech. He wiped his nose several times on his sleeve and lit two cigarettes before continuing: "Karl, my roommate, is always playing that stuff (Steely Dan) and I've always been like 'turn that gay crap off, man.' But I don't know -- last night he cut me a few lines and I snorted them and then I was just grooving to Hey Nineteen. I have no idea what that song's about but I can't get enough of it. I mean I guess it's about like getting fucked up because he sings about Cuervo Gold and the fine Columbian which is like what got me into the song because we were doing lines and drinking tequila shots and it all seemed to make perfect sense and stuff." Collins rambled on incoherently for several more minutes before suddenly changing moods and growing morose. After asking each and every reporter if he or she was "carrying," Collins proceeded to run his tongue across the entire surface of the coffee table.

Ted Nugent Shoots Loch Ness Monster

During a recent trip to Scotland aging rock star, self-proclaimed "gun nut" and NRA spokesman Ted Nugent shot and killed the famous plesiosaur known affectionately as "Nessie." From the bow of a rented boat Nugent fired several dozen rounds from a Heckler & Koch assault rifle into the massive animal. "It was fucking awesome," a smiling, blood-spattered Nugent said. "I nailed that ugly son-of-a-bitch. This is a great day for firearms." The 35 foot long body was towed to shore and an industrial crane was brought in from a nearby construction site for weighing purposes. Scientists are lamenting the death of the reclusive creature, feared to be the last of its species. "This would've been one of the greatest scientific finds in history had we been able to study the specimen before Mr. Nugent filled it full of lead," Dr. Ian McClish said. "We'd still like to dissect the body to learn about the visceral biology of the Jurassic Period, but he (Nugent) won't let us near it." "Hell no," Nugent said in response to McClish's request. "I'm gonna mount this fucker in my trophy room next to the condor."

Newly Discovered Dante Manuscript Describes Special Circle Of Hell For Vegans

Archaeologists, literary scholars and theologians are excited about the recent discovery of a 14th Century manuscript believed to be written by Dante Alighieri. The find was made in Florence, Italy and sheds new light on Dante's original vision for the geography of The Inferno. Cassius Revoldini, a noted Dante scholar, says: "this manuscript details a sub-ring of the Third Circle of Hell. We all know the Third Circle, as the published manuscript tells us, is reserved for gluttons who are forced to lie in a vile slush as punishment for their food lust." The newly discovered text describes a separate torture for "those who in life ate no meat, no fish, no fowl, nor dairy -- those who took a stance of superiority and condescension concerning their restricted diet." The suffering vegans are doomed to wallow in a morass of rotting animal carcasses as cow-headed demons force-feed them endless strings of sausages. In the manuscript Dante briefly converses with the soul of Daniele Corazza, a contemporary of Dante's and a noted vegetarian who once criticized the poet for his love of veal. Dante taunts the bloated and agonized Corazza by saying: "How's it taste?" Historians and scholars are unsure as to why the vegan circle was removed from the Divine Comedy before publication.

Texas State Senate Forces Abortion Clinics To Use Tiny Electric Chair

In a controversial decision Texas lawmakers voted overwhelmingly to establish a new statewide procedure for all abortions. The new method employs the use of a very small, fetus-sized electric chair. The procedure is quite invasive as the technicians must strap the unborn child into the chair, secure the impossibly tiny and adorable hands and feet, drape a miniscule hood over the unformed face, and finally place a wired crown atop the hairless head. All of this must of course take place within the mother's womb. Other logistical problems have arisen from the order that requires all abortions to be carried out at exactly twelve noon or twelve midnight. "We've just decided that if this kind of stuff is gonna take place we better be damn sure we're doing it right," said Senate member Granger McCoy. "I'm not one for killin' unless killin' needs to be done. But when it needs to be done, I can't think of a better way." Opponents of the fetal electric chair cite the risk of electrocution posed to the mother, the impracticality of the procedure, and the downright morbidity of executing a helpless lifeform in the same manner as convicted serial killers. So far no decision has been made concerning clergy visitation to the wombs of the condemned, last meal requests, or whether or not the abortion clinics will be hardwired with phones to the governor's mansion for possible last second reprieves. "If someone has a better idea of how this oughta be done," McCoy said during yesterday's press conference, "I'd sure like to hear about it."

Iraqi Insurgents Say They'll Free Captive Journalists In Exchange For Lebron James

In a videotape leaked to the press and broadcast on the Al Jazeera network members of an Iraqi insurgent group known as BAL have made their demands clear. "We want this Lebron James," said a hooded man into the camera, an AK-47 dangling from his neck. "If the United States will hand over this superman we will gladly release these two hostages." The two captives, AP photographer Mike Smalls and embedded journalist Kerry Sansone, appear in the video. The two men kneel before the camera, hands bound behind their backs. Their faces are bruised and tears trickle from their eyes. "Please, do what these men say," Smalls pleads as another insurgent stands behind him with a sword raised above his head. "He (James) is just an overrated point-forward. He's never even won a championship. The NBA can surely spare him for our lives. The game sucks anyway."

The demand for James, a bona-fide basketball superstar, is unprecedented in terrorist negotiations, though it does not come as a complete surprise as the international popularity of the sport has skyrocketed in recent years. "Do the right thing," the hooded man says toward the end of the videotape. "Give us Lebron James and we will let these two puny members of the media go free. Neither one of them can hit a three-point shot let alone dunk the ball." NBA commissioner David Stern said he "will not negotiate with terrorists," though he did say he was open to the possibility of a monetary agreement. "My duty is to the game of basketball and to the NBA fans. These guys are offering nothing as far as I can tell. Lebron for a couple of white guys who've never even dribbled a ball? Give me a break." James (24) could not be reached for comment as he was busy racking up thirty-four points, seven rebounds and eight assists against the San Antonio Spurs. His contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers will expire in 2010. The question of what team he will next play for is the subject of much speculation and debate around the world.