Monday, December 22, 2008

First Time Cocaine User Suddenly Digs Steely Dan


Andrew Collins (25), who tried cocaine for the first time last night, is the newest fan of Steely Dan. "I don't know man. It's just like suddenly I could dig it," Collins told reporters in a clipped, nervous speech. He wiped his nose several times on his sleeve and lit two cigarettes before continuing: "Karl, my roommate, is always playing that stuff (Steely Dan) and I've always been like 'turn that gay crap off, man.' But I don't know -- last night he cut me a few lines and I snorted them and then I was just grooving to Hey Nineteen. I have no idea what that song's about but I can't get enough of it. I mean I guess it's about like getting fucked up because he sings about Cuervo Gold and the fine Columbian which is like what got me into the song because we were doing lines and drinking tequila shots and it all seemed to make perfect sense and stuff." Collins rambled on incoherently for several more minutes before suddenly changing moods and growing morose. After asking each and every reporter if he or she was "carrying," Collins proceeded to run his tongue across the entire surface of the coffee table.

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