Texas State Senate Forces Abortion Clinics To Use Tiny Electric Chair

In a controversial decision Texas lawmakers voted overwhelmingly to establish a new statewide procedure for all abortions. The new method employs the use of a very small, fetus-sized electric chair. The procedure is quite invasive as the technicians must strap the unborn child into the chair, secure the impossibly tiny and adorable hands and feet, drape a miniscule hood over the unformed face, and finally place a wired crown atop the hairless head. All of this must of course take place within the mother's womb. Other logistical problems have arisen from the order that requires all abortions to be carried out at exactly twelve noon or twelve midnight. "We've just decided that if this kind of stuff is gonna take place we better be damn sure we're doing it right," said Senate member Granger McCoy. "I'm not one for killin' unless killin' needs to be done. But when it needs to be done, I can't think of a better way." Opponents of the fetal electric chair cite the risk of electrocution posed to the mother, the impracticality of the procedure, and the downright morbidity of executing a helpless lifeform in the same manner as convicted serial killers. So far no decision has been made concerning clergy visitation to the wombs of the condemned, last meal requests, or whether or not the abortion clinics will be hardwired with phones to the governor's mansion for possible last second reprieves. "If someone has a better idea of how this oughta be done," McCoy said during yesterday's press conference, "I'd sure like to hear about it."